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The Christmas Survival Guide

December 12, 2018
The Christmas Survival Guide

Christmas is the time to get together with your family and celebrate with good food and even better wine. So we have put together a "Christmas Survival Guide" just for you. No matter what situation you find yourself stuck in on Tuesday the 25th of December, we have the solution for you!

  • What do you do when you have turned vegan and haven’t told your family yet. “Complain you got food poisoning at the work Christmas party and proceed to drink all the French Champagne before anyone really notices”

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  • Christmas day isn’t the day for Mum and Dad to find out that you qualified for the national drinking championships. Make sure that you place a number of half full glasses strategically all around the house and you will get through the day just fine. But keep an eye on that dodgy aunty that only gets drunk at this time of the year.
  • When describing how good the food and wine is it's important to avoid words and phrases like;
    • “This seems edible for a change”
    • “Is this a real grape variety”
    • “Dad, did you get this from the clearance aisles again”
    • “I didn’t know you could get cask wine that tastes this good”
    • “Is that kerosine I can taste in the turkey”

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  • Dress appropriately. Avoid white clothing as its inevitable that one of your sister's ratbag kids that forgot their medicine will be running around uncontrollably and knock your red wine glass all over you. Also, it's a good idea to bring your own Phenergan to keep your nephews and nieces under control.
  • Planning is really important and you should spend some time in front of your bathroom practising your “It’s just what I wanted” face when you get given all those really dodgy presents. Generally, you can use a lot of hand movement to distract the present giver from the actual look on your face.

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  • Make sure you have limited conversations with your siblings on who Mum and Dad are most proud of. You know it’s you so no need to rub it in.
  • If you are really wanting something special as a present then go and buy it and send it to yourself or just place it under the tree from an alias. Act really surprised when you open it. This should really upset your siblings.
  • Eating is cheating and drinking is thinking - a simple motto to get you through the day

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  • When your older relatives say “gee you’ve grown up” it’s 100% ok to respond with “My god you have really aged”
  • Resist the urge to hug people and tell them you love them. You're drunk. Give them a handshake and tell them you like them only marginally.

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  • Kick off the day with some Tokay or Muscat on your breakfast cereal.
  • Offer to help with the cooking when most of it is already done.
  • Offer to open the wines for Dad. Its code for “get out of my way, I’m now the alpha male in this family."
  • Take your uncle on drink for drink. If you are going to talk to him it's important you are on the same level.

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  • Try not to tell your smaller relatives that Santa isn’t real.

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  • Prebook an uber to pick you up just before your Uncle starts getting naked.

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From the CellarSpace Family, we would like to wish everyone a Merry Christmas!!!